Twenty-Seven

It's almost 10 in the evening, about two hours more before I officially turn 27 on June 27th. :) My best friend Doi always thought that the birthday a person should look forward to is the one which coincides with the day of his birth. After all, she was the one who chose to have a party when she turned 19 on April 19, 2002. I liked the idea and I thought that I should do the same myself. My plans are still underway because they were railroaded by other more pressing concerns (such as my Lolo's hospitalization and eventual passing) but for the meantime, I'd like to write about something I started drawing up last year, a few days after I turned 26. I finally completed it two nights ago, when I was lying in bed, sandwiched by my two fat pillows.

This is a list of thoughts entertained, beliefs adhere to and lessons learned - all in the span of the 27 years I've been in physical existence. It is a list of pertaining to experiences which are either too beautiful to write about or too painful to clearly illustrate. Our walk in this world is, after all, a balancing act between the things which give us joy and those which give us sorrow. It is a medley of notes which are either spot-on or hang in that area of the musical staff known as a sharp,a flat or an absolute off-key. But then I've always stood pat on my belief that happiness is more than an emotion. It is a choice that one makes - that no matter how the world conspires (as Paolo Coelho puts it in "The Alchemist") to make your life a chugging, miserable choo-choo train, it is still your choice in the end to realize that the misery can never ever take away the sheer joy of life's ultimate joyride.

My List of 27

1. Never be afraid to admit you do not know something.
The ramifications are really scary if you don't come out clean about your ignorance. Just think, a lot of roadside accidents or plane crashes are traced to human error. And these are people who (supposedly) know what they're doing. To admit not knowing something allows for a lot of honesty and humility to come in. It also leaves enough space for #2 to come in.

2. Life always gives you second chances.
It was my 25th birthday and I was called to recite for my Nego class. My teacher asked me to talk about a case which he had not assigned for the class to read. As I was waiting for the earth to open up and swallow me whole, I apologized and told the professor I had not read the case. He told me to sit down and as I listened to about five other classmates recite one case after another, all I could think about was how nice a big, fat, red "5" would look like on my recitation card opposite the date June 27. All of a sudden, my teacher asked to stand again and he made me recite another case - one I had studied the night before. Then he made me recite another one...and another one...and another one. By the end of the class, the "5" had obviously disappeared.

3. Focus on what is here and now and not on what is to be expected.
Sometimes, we need to be like horses with blinders with our eyes and mind focused on one particular thing at a particular time. That's the best way to come up with a pretty good job. Otherwise we would never get any work done. Besides, whatever should happen next week or next year is anticipatory. The snake that is presently coiled at your feet could easily sink its teeth in your leg RIGHT NOW.

4. Life is like traveling down an open road.
Overused but absolutely true, especially when you're driving. The scenery can change and so can the sky. Everything can pass you by in a blur unless you choose to walk at a slower pace. Keep your eyes on the road all the time as you don't know what can immediately dart across. You don't exactly know who or what you can meet as you take every step.

5. You can be useful when you choose to.
It is all a matter of awareness, sensitivity and a sense of responsibility. Step up and take the challenge because there is a lot of work to be done. Your choice: idleness or productivity.

6. Wake up when the alarm sounds.
The "snooze" button will eventually fall off and you'll need to buy a new alarm clock.

7. Learn to deal with Murphy's Law but be prepared for surprises.
Manage your risks so that when the worst possible things happen in the worst possible time, you've got some skin left to save. When push comes to shove, it is important not o lose your cool (or your perspective). Surprises come but they may not always be bad. Good ones make an appearance too - like an invitation from my friend to be her maid of honor (in a wedding she was to have in FINLAND!) when I was in the middle of charming my way out of entering the wrong U-turn slot.

8. Be happy with what you have. Don't focus on the black spot in a white wall.
There is so much space to write on so get on with that. The spot can eventually make a good punctuation mark.

9. There can be no such thing as needless worrying from a mother's perspective.
My mother hates it when I'm out late, when I'm watching a movie alone, when I'm serving court orders in the middle of nowhere, when I'm munching street food in a hawker's stall in a foreign land, when I'm stuck in a flood, when I'm being quiet and even when I'm planning to go diving with whale sharks in Donsol. "Just think, they're not just whales or just sharks. They're WHALE SHARKS. They might eat you." No matter how hilarious it may seem that her anxieties have made her imagination as complex as a taxidermist's textbook, I have to admit it has to be a natural thing. "What out when you're a mother yourself," she tells me. I have a feeling she's right - again.

10. Find the song that's perfect for you.
There's so much to sift through in finding that perfect tune to headline your life's soundtrack - melody, lyrics, pitch, your voice quality, your limits, your good points, your perfect avenue of expression. I think I've found mine in The Carpenters' "You." Keep in mind, though, that this criteria shouldn't just be applicable to songs.

11. Thank God for friends. Be even more thankful for family.
No man is an island, really. If I didn't have friends, I seriously would be insane. My friends are always there for me and I never need to face anything alone. If I didn't have family, I'd be a lot worse. Family sticks to you no matter what, no matter how adhesive-unfriendly your skin has become.

12. Know when to stop - and really do it even if it involves a lot of false starts.
We all need to let go of some things or pull the plug on certain endeavors. Writing "fine" prematurely may be very difficult since reality and hopefulness are quite difficult to balance as well. Once you've got one foot out the door, the rest will eventually follow. Don't castigate yourself if you sometimes take a couple steps back. It's all a part of the process. If you come crawling back in the same door you left, then we really do have a problem.

13. Work really hard to get what you want.
It feels absolutely great to wrap your fingers around something you have bled for to the point of being anemic pale. Really.

14. You don't have to be tough all the time. A little vulnerability is okay.
I am still working on this but if toughness means clamming up and vulnerability means the exact opposite, then a little vulnerability is okay. Vulnerability is essential in relationships and females are relationship-based.

15. Be generous with encouragement, be prudent with constructive criticism. Shut up if you have nothing useful to say.
Foot-in-mouth disease is a struggle for me but people need to be hoisted up when needed and brought down to earth a bit when they've ingested too much helium. Words can both heal and kill. That's a lesson I continue to learn each day.

16. Do not allow anyone to make you feel bad about yourself. Be comfortable with your own skin. And, yes, geeks rule.
So sue me for loving "The Princess Diaries." Learning to love yourself is in no way the greatest love of all but it is crucial to any person's happiness. Work on your weaknesses but build on your good points and for the other areas of your person which will never improve no matter what you do, accept them as an integral part of yourself, your own unique seal which makes you...you. And, yes, I am proud to be a sci-fi-obsessing, literature-downing, tech-loving geek.

17. Every day is going to be the best day of your life.
Because every day is never going to be like the last or the next.

18. God will always be God. The problem is, we like to share the driver's seat with him. Have faith.
God is sovereign and we need to let Him take control and to lead us where to go. When we choose to hand the reins over to him, let him be the Sole Driver. After all He, not "He-Man" is the true Master of the Universe.

19. Forgiving is very, very tough. Forgetting shouldn't be tougher.
It is quite hard to forgive, especially when it's people you love the most who hurt you. But once forgiveness has taken place, forgetting should come naturally because the peace that comes with forgiveness overrides the pain which comes with the memory. When you tell someone you have forgiven him, you should really mean it.

20. Share yourself with others. It's the best thing you can do with your life.
I make it through the toughest of times because many people have chosen to share their lives and their time with me. I (hope to) have been changed because of their presence in my life and it is my way of giving back, of paying it forward. And it's not because I think highly of myself that I should share myself with the world or with other people. It's because a lot of people need that slightest indication that they have not been forgotten.

21. Everyone is entitled to some measure of vanity.
So what if I fuss a little too much over my hair more than any other part of my face? It's naturally puffy!

22. Everyone has to have at least one Stevie Wonder song in any playlist.
This guy has the best pipes in my opinion. I have 36 but "I Wish" tops the list. Why doesn't anyone sing like him anymore?

23. Don't pass judgment on other people immediately. Every person has a good side and a bad side. It all depends on how much of either you can tolerate.
It's very easy to compartmentalize people, shove them into boxes or drop them into two neat categories. The truth is, most, if not all, people do not fit perfectly into our little dioramas. There are a lot of factors which need to be factored into understanding what makes a person tick, what makes him laugh out loud, what makes him as red as a balloon with anger, what makes him sing in the shower. Reading people is one of the best things about being alive and every person is an entity of beauty.

24. Exercise.
Aside from the physical benefits of exercising, nothing beats the feeling of one's heart beating so hard in your ribcage you could almost see it thumping its way out of your chest. Those are the moments - when my face is red, my breath is coming out in gasps and my chest is heaving - that I feel absolutely alive. I started running last year and I sometimes do the treadmill but I still love swimming and cycling.

25. Always be thankful.
The world needs to hear more "thank you's" coming around. To be honest about it, we don't really deserve many of the best things we have in our lives so we should be grateful for what we have on our laps.

26. Say what you need to say. Leave no room for "if."
My grandfather died a month ago. I listened to his shallow breathing and as his heart rate plummeted to zero, I went up to him, kissed his forehead, said "I love you, Lolo" and smiled at him. I did not know if he could still hear me as he was heavily sedated but I felt no heaviness in my chest. The "I love you" was not for his benefit or mine. It was nothing but mere surplusage because in his lifetime, I had told him everything I needed to tell him, I had said everything I had to say, I had done everything that needed to be done to show him much he was loved and he, in turn, had heard and felt everything he should have felt and heard. The saddest word in the English language, according to my Labor professor, is the word "if." Short, two letters but is both heavy and haunting.

27. Love God, love Him with your whole heart and soul.
My God is my cornerstone. Because He is good, He is holy, He is perfect, He is true and He is wise, there is every reason to love him with my whole heart and soul. But aside from His perfect character, I love my God because He loves me in a way that exceeds everyone else's ability. His love transcends anything - time, space and all the puny fortresses I've built in my imaginary fiefdom.

If Only There Were More Words for "Thank You"

It has been 34 days since the first of a series of devastating squalls hit my family, leaving all of us like broken compasses spinning wildly. I have always been assured that the True North will always be found despite the compass's seeming confusion; thus, that question is never left unresolved. It is more of confronting the issue of where to go next, what direction to take, how each day is like a looming monster to be taken down or enslaved. Every day for the past 34 days, I attempted to find at least some semblance of a downtime where I could sit and write about everything that was laid before me. Writing, after all, is something I find very therapeutic in the midst of all this upheaval but I go through my head and all I find is a mess - a tumble of fear, sadness, uncertainty and even utter disbelief that still leave me grasping at the emptiness. Until I poke through that muddle and some clarity befalls me, I find I must settle some things which need to be given priority. And one of those things which need to given that priority is an expression of gratitude.

"Kabalaslan" (loosely translated as "debt of gratitude") was a Hiligaynon word I often heard my Lolo Deting utter when he was alive. He constantly reminded me to be thankful for anything and everything and to make sure that there should be a corresponding expression or manifestation of that thankfulness. Because of "kabalaslan," thankfulness was always profuse and evident during his lifetime. Because of "kabalaslan," he was sometimes wounded or disappointed but more often than not, it gave him so much joy - not because it was an expectation he nursed but because it came randomly in little boxes called surprises. It was never an elixir for him. Instead, it was a form of encouragement to continue to think of himself less and to help others more. My Lolo definitely was not perfect and there were a lot of aspects of his character which needed some work but in terms of giving thanks and appreciation, he had given that trait a whole new meaning.

I am not writing this to hoist him in a pedestal of heroism because, in all humility and honesty, he was your average Joe. Plainly, I write with so much admiration because he simply meant so much to me. So from a very grateful grand daughter who sorely misses her doting grandfather, I would like to rattle off my thank you list.

To my Lolo's many doctors, especially Dr. Juaneza, Dr. Danucop, Dr. Jardeleza, Dr. Bito-onon, Dr. Jurao, Dr. Nadala, Dr. Bayona and Dr. Gopio, thank you so much for everything you did for my grandfather and for being there during the most crucial of times, standing beside us even in the wee hours of the morning. Your strength of spirit gave us hope in the moments when we desperately needed some form of light at the end of the tunnel but your gentle candor gave us the courage to be realistic and to start letting go. You were not just mere physicians to him; you were there for him as a friend.

Thank you so much to the medical residents who attended to Lolo and often had to deal with a host of very frantic and very emotional family members - Dr. Anico, Dr. Salazar, Dr. Prudente, Dr. De Asis, Dr. Lim, Dr. Lee and Dr. Castillo. I do apologize for the times I panic and call you directly, causing you some form of inconvenience. Your patience, calmness and genuine concern are all greatly appreciated and I do hope you will all become very successful specialists in the near future. May you never lose that sensitive human touch which makes expertise in the field medicine less than academic excellence and more of a valuable gift.

I would like to express my gratitude to the IDH nurses and staff, especially to Medeline, April, Leslie, Gerwin, Van, Fatima, Maricor, Joan, Chen and Charene. You all became a part of our day-to-day activities and have made indelible imprints not only in our hearts but in my Lolo's as well. Thank you for the attention you gave Lolo Deting in his most critical hours and for catering to his little requests such as giving him freshly squeezed juice or washing his hair. You all somehow eased Lolo's burden with your gentleness and your genuine laughter. I will certainly miss you all and hope that I will meet up with you again in less strenuous and non-medical related conditions.

I am extremely thankful to Dr. Soriano and the team of physical therapists in the Rehabilitation Medicine department. A very special shoutout goes to to Lani, Lemuel, Sir Archie and Manang Rosella's little bro Nonoy. :) I am not sure if you realize how much joy you all gave Lolo during his rehab sessions. He enjoyed talking about what he did in rehab everyday (I sure could say you also felt the same way) and he always looked forward to your daily sessions. You helped him deal with and accept his paralysis without completely dashing his spirit, for allowing him to bask in the heat of the sunshine without letting him feel the sting. Thank you for giving him so much love, for your patience when his temper started flaring up and for your creativity and good humor which never failed to make my Lolo laugh.

To Pastor Sharon Duremdes, Jaro Evangelical Church, St. Luke Sub-Circuit ministers, their respective churches and their families, Manay Felina, Manong Deo, the Quimpos, the Maderas, the Aplaons and the rest of our prayer warriors - thank you so much for the spiritual support you gave Lolo and our family. Thank you for praying with and for Lolo when he was in pain and when he was discouraged. To my discipler Ate Carol, Ate Shei, Venice and to my surrogate mothers, ates and kuyas in Harvest - your spiritual wisdom certainly made the very heavy journey lighter. Thank you for not sugarcoating the reality that I was bound to lose someone very important to me while giving me the courage to accept that inevitability with arms wide open. Thank you everyone for the constant reminder that our bodies are imperfect and are meant to waste away and die. Thank you for reminding us not to hold on to anything including our broken dreams so that God could properly put them back together again. Thank you for helping us not to forget us that God is good, that God is in control and that God is, and always will be, God.

Lolo devoted a huge chunk of his life to ILIASCO and I am very thankful to every member of his ILIASCO family who gave their support, sympathies and encouragement. I appreciate your efforts to share your time with our family during his wake - from singing for him for the last time up to staying up all night (well, at least, trying to stay up all night) on the eve of his burial. Lolo Deting loved you all very much and I am quite grateful for all the love you had given him in return.

To our many relatives who had supported us in a variety of ways, especially the Rojas-Espinosas, the Tupas-Rojases and the Rojas-Jalandoons, your efforts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for pulling us in the right direction and thank you for giving us numerous shoulders to cry on. Thank you for your encouragement and thank you for making us realize the real value of family. To the Villanuevas, thank you so much for your unexpected gift. We indeed felt the love even if seas have to be crossed and datelines have to be traversed. Special thanks to Tita Marie, Tita Bebing, Tita Diutay and Tita Luz who stood by us when we were at our most helpless, who prayed with us when we were at our loneliest and who stayed by our side and Lolo's side as well when we were all at our weakest and our most vulnerable. There was a rather odd mix of both deep-rooted sorrow and profound peace when we watched Lolo's heartbeat drop to zero in the midst of Tita Bebing's prayer of commitment and an impromptu medley of old Baptist hymns but thank you so much, Tita, for giving Lolo that beautiful farewell gift before his last heartbeat. I am extremely grateful to Nene Heartie and TIta Kang who took charge of the physical arrangement and logistics of the funeral and the wake in Taguhangin. Thank you for working tirelessly for Lolo despite the extreme heat in the daytime and the torrential rains at night. Thank you for helping us do the myriads of things which needed our attention and yet completely forgot. As you will know, grief has a numbing, disorienting effect on one's sense and grief of this intensity certainly has left us bewildered. Thank you so very much for everything and for giving us our newest hairy bundle of joy. The Rojas-Jalando-on brood's support and visit is also something which brought us happiness and comfort in the midst of sorrow. It was a joy to have bonded with you all, especially my long-lost cousins, even for a short period of time. Thank you, Manong Francis Neil and Tito Amsil Alubog, for accepting our invitation to participate in Lolo's vigil services and in his funeral service as well.

Thank you to our many, many friends who made their support known - whether physically or virtually, verbally or musically, via mass cards, texts, emails or even Facebook comments. I am very grateful to everyone who took the time out to be in Lolo's wake despite the rather bipolar nature of the weather. We are also very thankful to all those who sent us gifts, flowers and food. All your efforts are greatly appreciated by my family. Bad, I know I text you a million times a day and I understand how busy you are but I appreciate your responses (no matter how late), your medical explanations and assessments (no matter how frank) and your friendship. Doi (and Betty and Tita Tess), thank you for simply being there. Your physical presence was something I greatly valued and I totally appreciated the effort you made in coming to the funeral despite the distance. A special thank you goes out to the Kabayao family - Tito Gil, Tita Cora, Manang Selien, Far and Gil. In his lifetime, Lolo Deting really loved to hear you play and I express my sincere gratitude in affording him and our family the privilege and honor of another beautiful performance not only during his wake but also during his funeral. I am so thankful to you, Manang Ched (Maquilay), for being a strong pillar of support to our family during this time of trial. Thank you for all the time you spent in taking care of Lolo even if you didn't have to. Your gift - a writing tablet - is something we greatly appreciate and value. We had many wonderful conversations with Lolo using that writing tablet, even if such conversations would eventually be our last. Your gentleness of spirit and sincerity of heart certainly make you one extremely wonderful person, the kind that is quite hard to come by in these current times.

To everyone who pitched in and helped us in the 12 days of Lolo's wake - from cooking to cleaning up to doing the dishes - thank you, thank you, so very much! Thank you for doing this for Lolo and for our family. Your contributions have been indispensable and have allowed us to focus on other things also. On our own, everything would have been an utter mess. Thank you for doing for us and for the guests everything else that we failed to do. Thank you for loving Lolo both in life and in death and I pray that God may richly bless you a hundredfold in your respective lifetimes.

As I said earlier, my mind is a muddle and I may have forgotten a number of people and I do apologize for the slip. However, I still remain as I am - thankful, grateful and very much overwhelmed by the display of love for my late grandfather and the expression of support for my family. I do hope to be able to show my gratitude in a manner more tangible at some point in the future but for now, please accept my humblest thanks. Thank you for opening your hearts to our sorrow and for giving us so many reasons to smile despite the sadness and uncertainty that our loss has dealt. May life be as good to you all as you were to us.

This rosary was a gift for my Lolo from his favorite therapist Lani.
It now hangs on the rearview mirror of the car I drive,
a constant reminder of how much my Lolo was loved in his lifetime.