Thank You

    I promised myself that if I either passed or failed that grueling mind-bender called the bar examinations, I was going to write this "thank you" note.  After all, "thank you" notes do not depend on the outcome as an expression of gratitude is always deserved by those who simply go out of their way to do something for another.

    The entire bar examination process - the review starting late April, the examinations in November and the sanity-sapping wait until February - was what a recent reflection article called my "wilderness experience."  It was at this point when I encountered my lowest, most trying moments.  I came face-to-face with the fact that I was not ready for this mastodon of an exam.  I was not good enough, I did not know enough and I was not smart enough.  I reached the teeniest, tiniest ends of all my ropes and I was tempted more than once to just throw in the towel and shift my game to next year.  I was either being very silly or being very brave.  In the end, I threw caution to the wind and took my chances when I realized that I was not going anywhere if I did not stare at fear straight down its gigantic throat even if it really looked like the thing was going to swallow me whole and spit my bones out for the flies to suck.  It was only when I was pared, peeled and diced to nothingness that I really felt my God infuse me with strength which I knew could not have come from any part of myself despite the ten-pound weight gain.

    The waiting period was different.  God had been so unusually quiet the entire time.  A lot of times it felt like we were both sitting side by side in a bench and I'd ask Him a bar exam update question to which He would respond by talking about something else which was completely unrelated to my concern.  I never got so far as to ask him for a sign because I was too puppy dog scared to do so.  But I talked to God a lot, especially when I did my long walks or took my bicycle out.  I tried to talk to Him when I biked along the rocky terrain of my hometown's dusty roads.  No response.  I tried to talk to Him when I walked down the entire length of Boracay's white beach, with the fine sand between my toes.  No response.  I also tried to talk to Him as I hiked up and down Camp John Hay's off-road trails, smelled the pine trees and shivered in Baguio's chilly air.  Still no response.  Even on the very night before my exams, He was leading me towards Song of Songs.  Seriously?  Song of Songs before the day which was threatening to wield an enormous impact on my life?

    A few times, God did respond.  But seriously, it wasn't always helpful.  His replies were ambiguous and almost playful at times.  For instance, when SC Spokesperson Atty. Midas Marquez made the announcement of the number of bar passers on Tuesday, my sister and I were in the mall and her bladder all of a sudden went haywire.  The first thing we saw after she emerged from the bathroom was a book sitting in its holder in a bookstore's sill: "Pass or Fail," the title said.  We went downstairs to buy something and we almost ran into a standee of actress Judy Ann Santos carrying a cake which bore the words "Let's Celebrate!"  Feeling more optimistic now, we hurried to the parking lot where we were met by a huge, ominous looking tarpaulin complete with pictures of lightning bolts which proclaimed: "The end is near."

    But God knew my limits.  He knew when I could take the silence no longer.  Like when I was walking aimlessly around a bookstore and I chanced upon a book written by a pastor sitting on top of a shelf on Trade and Industry.  "Help My Unbelief" the book title plainly said.  Right on the Trade and Industry shelf, I tell you.  A few meters away, as I ambled past the crafts section, a framed colored sand artwork clearly stated "I will not leave you nor forsake you."  Ambiguous as to what I wanted to hear?  Yes.  But not ambiguous as to what I needed to be told.

    At the end of my wilderness experience, I come out overwhelmed and greatly humbled.  It is true that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - yes, even those which I know very well are beyond my capacity.  I also emerge eternally grateful to you who have been His instruments in more ways than one.  

    My mom and my dad!  I cannot say "thank you" enough.  You have taught me everything I know and have never withheld anything from Inday and me.  I know, Mom, I told you several times that you needed to calm down but who am I to downplay your natural tendency to ensure no bad thing ever walks us.  The next time that something like this happens, I will have a sphygmomanometer and extra tablets of Catapress just in case your BP shoots up like crazy again.  Thank you, Dad, for meeting us just after the first and last set of exams ended on the first and fourth Sundays of November and for going all the way to Manaoag to pray and for being a pillar of strength even if inside you were all Jell-O.

    My crazy sister!  You have done it!  Pushing you when you stubbornly refused to budge was a more difficult job than learning Hungarian.  This bar exam was all about you and not me.  Besides, truth be told, you really know a lot more than I do.  You will promise me that you will not let anyone put you down or make you feel any less than the person that you are.  Unless you want me to follow you around for the rest of your life which is really not  good thing to see when you're 90 and I'm 92 and your dentures are falling off.

    My Tita Vilma and Tito Dan who kept us fat with all the food, especially the yummy Mien San beef tendon noodles.  You cried and rejoiced with us and took time off from your busy schedules just to listen to us rant.  You reminded me to keep my chin up and to just keep on pushing until I could no longer feel my own fear.  Thank you for encouraging me to always keep on trying, that "bara-bara" may just get you somewhere.  And, oh my goodness, it actually did.  My uncles, aunts and cousins from the Villanuevas and the Espinosas who sent their encouragement and prayers, I truly appreciate being able to talk to you when everything just seemed a little to much to bear.  Manang Apple and Manang Maya, thank you so much for being there for Inday and me, just like the older sisters that you both are to us.

    To my dear blockmates, you guys have been amazing!  From the goodie bags to the early morning hugs and send-offs, my words just fall short.  Bryan, Jojo, Marge, I really appreciate your reassurance that everything was going to turn out all right.  Lora, you were my rock and I do not know how I could have gone through each day without texting you.  Joey, thank you for your notes, your time and your reminder to always keep my chin up.  Rean, I took your advice to heart when I started panicking because I couldn't answer anything initially in the Political Law exam.  I took a deep breath just as you said and I was fine again.  Caps and Ricky, thank you for dropping by my room to calm me down that first Saturday night.  Kooky and Yella, thank you for forcing me to sit down and eat breakfast that you set before me on that first Sunday morning when I absolutely refused to ingest anything and was fighting off continuous retching.  

    To Cams, Jill, Loraine and everyone in the UP Bar Operations Commission - we cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for us from the reviewers, lectures and food up to the last-minute tips and the send-offs.  What goes around comes around.  To Raj and UP Women in Law, thank you for facilitating all of our needs and requests and for the academic materials which made cramming so much easier.

    To our band of prayer warriors - I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  The texts, phone calls, Facebook messages, letters and tweets just did wonders for our confidence and once more fanned our resolve, especially during the difficult days.  To Tita Bebing and Tito Martin Sanchez, Tito Ben Aplaon and family, Tito Stanley Madera family and Manong Deo Arroyo and family who always made their presence felt, Inday and I are just a loss for words as to how thankful we are to you.  To all our friends in ILIASCO Canopy Church, Taguhangin Christian Fellowship, ERM Baptist Church and Greenhills Christian Fellowship, you constantly lifted us up to God as we went through our period of tribulation.  When we were down on our knees with desperation, you reminded us that we were already in the best position to pray.  Indeed, there is great joy in praying for each other.

    My professors in law school - I can only hope that we will make you proud.  Thank you for teaching us that there is a huge responsibility that comes with knowledge and for the reminder that we must serve the nation in the best way that we know how.  Dean Marvic Leonen, Prof. Ted Te, Prof. Victoria Avena, Prof. Domingo Disini, Prof. Beth Pangalangan, Dean Tony Lavina, Profs. Gigo Alampay and Rudy Quimbo and Prof. Vic Mamalateo - I really valued everything I learned in your classes.  Thank you so much.

    My dearest friends who get their name from an episode of Futurama (hahaha), can I just say...this is crazy!  Sue and Doi, you know I love you so I'll stop now.  Ronald, I appreciate that you prayed for me on all four Sundays and texted me every afternoon just to check if I was still alive or breathing.  If I told you I was fine, I lied because I was always a bundle of nerves.  But I am really all right now, for real.  Sharon, thank you for scaring me a couple of times and for reassuring me that it was all right that I couldn't remember everything I read...and that Tax Law was, in a lot of ways, similar to Organic Chemistry.  Now hurry up and come home with that PhD.  Dang, Jenny, Thea, Julie, Zaid and Reah, now is probably a good time to start laying the groundwork for that project.

    Anna Banana, Em and Kate, thank you for taking the time to text or call to remind me that I needed a break.  Thank you for the dinners, the late-night conversations, midnight cupcakes, Twitter requests and for "s"-less congratulations.  I really value your friendship.  Now we can finally focus on Banana's wedding.

    To the people who knew exactly what we were going through and always made their presence felt, you made me feel stronger than I thought I was.  My cousin Barbie who tweet-held my hand from morning till the moment the results were released in the afternoon,  you will have your place in the sun.  I fiercely believe that.  Let me hold your hand when your turn comes, just as you virtually did for me.  What are cousins for?  My cousin Atty. Jeeli Espinosa, you are a person we look up to.  You taught me that fear is a great motivator but that a desire to be become a better version of yourself is to be given utmost importance.  Atty. Radney Garcia, thank you for the lectures and the Sababan Tax notes which literally saved me from complete Tax ignorance.  Atty. Maricor and Sheen Parido, thank you for taking care of Inday for the first three Sundays of the exams.

    Ate Carol, I missed our Figaro/Taco Bell sessions when I was reviewing.  Thank you for your time.  I really miss talking to you.

    My PINC growth group mates, I miss you most of all.  Lianne, your call completely changed our afternoon, especially when the web browser stubbornly refused to reload and all we could see were the surnames ending in "L."  Riza, Macor and Mayla, I thank you for the prayers.  Ate Sheila, thank you for keeping it real for Inday and me.  Jessica, you have been so encouraging.  And dear Joyce, you have been nothing short of inspiring.

    Harvest, giving you all up, albeit temporarily I hope, was a huge sacrifice I had to make.  But thank you for ministering to me as I listened to you sing from the congregation when I decided to go on leave.  Thank you for being a group which I could easily call my family - where I had "mother figures" (Ate Katsch, Ate Ann, Ate Lorna), older sisters (Anissa, Ate Jocy, Iting, and Sara), kaberks (Tepi and Venice), a deluge of older brothers who always knew the best places to eat (Kuya Zeb, Kuya Jojo, Kuya Stan, Ross and Edmund) and a cute bunso bunch (Jourd and Hannalee).  You all saw me struggle through every difficult exam, every bad recitation, every challenging court hearing, every lengthy pleading and have prayed incessantly for my sister and me.  My deepest thanks.

    To the people who went on this journey with me - I am simply beside myself with joy in seeing how much we have grown all these years and I am excited to see where this new road is going to take us.
        Charisse, my legal aid partner, my go-to girl, my study buddy, my closest friend in law school and my constant fashion critique - thank you for teaching me to seek my own level and to see the joy in waiting even when the rest of the world seems to be in hyperspeed.
        Edel, talking to you always makes me smile and laugh.  Always.
        Jonas, you said "We got this" and I didn't believe you.  Now I do.
        Anton and Ajang, I think I told you a lot of wrong things and I'm sorry.  I'm gonna say it again: I'm the wrong person to ask.
        Jat, I'm itching to go to Coron because of (what used to be) your tan.
        Chris, I'm going to borrow Tyrion's words: Know who you are and wear it on your sleeve for they shall never be able to hurt you.
        Giulia, victory comes in every encounter.
        Rach, Dahlia, Apple, Ice, Ja, Terry, Sarah, we finally got what we had long worked so hard for.
        Tito Romy, it was a privilege, an honor and a blessing to have been your blockmate all these years.    

    To the complete stranger who went up to me when I was reviewing early in the morning in Jollibee East Avenue just to tell me to study hard and give it my all, that gesture was something I would never forget.

    To all the fastfood establishments and coffee joints that tolerated my almost-daily, invasive presence, it was a symbiotic thing really.

    To the two little girls I met in the Office of Legal Aid who gave me the affirmation that being a lawyer was really what I wanted to be, I pray that I can carry that focus with me as the days and years go by.

    To everyone (friends, classmates, family) who sent my sister and me encouragement and support in every way, my deepest, most profound thanks.

    And lastly to my grandparents,

    my Papang, Nemesio Villanueva, who taught me to love my country;
    my Lolo, Atty. Gerson Espinosa, who taught me to love the law;

    my Lola, Aida Rojas, who taught me to love my God; and
    my Mamang, Rosita Beltran, who taught me to love the written word,
    this is for you.