Withdrawal Pangs

It has been two weeks since I have been separated from my computer. For lack of a better analogy, I feel like a baby wailing for nappies (the Pampers commercial was the last thing I saw on TV before I went out to go to school) or a genie without a lamp (that was the last analogy presented in Consti class yesterday).
It all started with the keyboard. Brackets started appearing out of nowhere whenever I was typing. My first reaction was to get all freaked out because the entire thing struck me as a real/live version of that scene towards the end of "Ghost" where the computer screen was filled with "samsamsamsamsamsamsamsamsam." I then found msyelf wishing I'd have a ghost stalker half as good looking as Patrick Swayze. Then when I finally got a hold of my brain and realized it was going to entail hauling the computer to the shop, I got more freaked out just thinking how much that was going to cost my pocket.
I was told I'd have my computer back in about 30-45 days. I do not know how I can survive without it...well I can, actually...but just thinking about not seeing Mario on SNES is starting to make me cry.

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Speaking of crying, I had my first midterms in Persons last week. It was one of those times (which occur more and more often these days) when I really felt stupid...like stuff-which-you-scrape-off-your-shoe stupid. For the first twenty minutes, I did nothing but stare at the first question. I panicked even more when everyone else seemed to be writing the beginnings of a novel already.
Then I did a mini-drama inside my sister's dorm room on Sunday because I realized I made a HUGE mistake. Don't wanna talk about it...I don't even want to see the page of the Civil Code which has that provision lest I get up and torch the entire thing.

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Anna's back from Macau. It actually feels like I have not seen or heard from her in a long, long time. I was on my "sabbatical" for a couple of months and when I came back, she left for Macau. Actually, she left the week I arrived, I think. She could not email as often as she wanted (I would like to believe she wanted to email us as often as she could) because of her overly strict PM and texting was expensive. I'm just happy she's back even if it's for a little while.
Then less than a week after she arrived, I get a text that Shyne's going to Dubai. "DUBAI????" That was my silent scream while I sat on my window seat on a bus bound for home. Why so far? And why is everybody going away?
Blame it on school for my being soooo melodramatic/sentimental lately. I feel so detached from the world I feel like a Langdell specimen at the works...and to think I have not been spending THAT much time in the library. It's as if everytime I step into school, a thousand normal years rush by and the moment I step out, too much has happened for my poor heart to take.
Last week, the Snoo people were sending each other emails. We had not done that in a long, long time. I learned a friend of mine broke up with someone (whereas another friend of mine is being...er..."pursued" by someone else). Still another friend is organizing an anime quiz bee while the rest are either chained to their desks at work, stuck somewhere out-of-town or struggling with an anti-cellphone curse.
It just made me realize how I could still take some of the people closest to me for granted...like my friends and my family...like Shyne, for instance (I'm sure she'd looooove seeing her name here...like, more than once)...or Sarah, for that matter. I guess I had always believed they'd just "be around," like we could get together at anytime...to the point that anytime gets postponed numerous times everybody loses count.
Then I started missing everybody again, including my two dogs!

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And now...because I am in my "sad mood," I am going to drop by Jollibee on my way home for some comfort food.
And oh! A reason to rejoice: IT'S THURSDAY TOMORROW!

Love

Two years into this blog, I have written about a lot of things - from my dogs to my nieces, American Idol and Korean serials, videoke concerts to beaded slippers. I sometimes wonder what has taken me so long to write about this when I usually try not go MTRCB on myself.

For more than two decades, I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with someone.

And most of the credit to how that relationship has grown through years should not, and would not, be attributed to me. As a matter of fact, I am the worthy recipient of the usual snide remarks "He's too good for you." I admit I will never be good enough for him but because I love Him too much, I cannot and will not stop trying.

I am not perfect and I never will be, not while I am here. I am a work in progress, a manuscript with lots of blank pages, a piece of pottery with more than half of it all lop-sided and sloshy, a song in dire need of arrangement. But He does not seem to care - to borrow Julia Stiles' lines from 10 Things I Hate About You - "not even a little bit, not even at all." He is very patient with me, carefully smoothening my rough edges even though the entire exercise involves Him getting hurt and disappointed with me time and again. I can feel His pain everytime I fall. His disappointment is unmistakeable and apparent, I immediately hate myself everytime. How could I deeply hurt someone who loves me so much that the world could never be enough to fill? Callous. Selfish. Insensitive. That's what I am. Yet He believes that I can be better and He never stops giving me new beginnings and new mornings, when I can stand up, dust myself off and walk with Him, hand in hand, towards the sunrise.

His everyday gift for me is visual poetry - clouds with a silver lining, an irrepressible smile from a child, a sparrow fluttering about while ruffling its feathers, leaves of green swaying with the wind, slender fingers of lightning. On more special occasions, there's a cloud with a silver lining, a fiery sunset, bridges all aglow with lights, tulips of pink and blue, myriads of stars that the night sky almost looks silver. This is all for me, He says, and so much more. Once, He asked me if I knew how much He loved me. He said He loves me like the ocean. No matter how far you look, there seems to be no end, even past the point where the sky kisses the water. Just like the way water rolls over the ocean floor, He sees past my depths, which conceal sights of both beauty and darkness, and covers it all completely. Perfectly.

He is not just my happiness. As a matter of fact, He IS happiness. He is joy. This joy is not of this world, not like fleeting laughter or smothered giggles. It is happiness that goes deep down within me that even my soul sings in mute tones only audible to His ears. The happiness He gives me overflows, like water gushing from spring, gurgling and struggling to be free.

I find it a shame, though, that amidst my inner glow, the girl who sits across me in the jeep looks downcast...or the lady who bags my groceries seems forlorn...not to mention the teener selling sampaguitas near the bus stop whose eyes mirror uncertainty. And it's not just them. The old woman with sad eyes, the guy at the computer store who seems mad at everything he sees and the smart-suited woman who carries a Starbucks cup on one hand and the whole world on her shoulders. It does not feel right at all.

But it should feel right, I tell myself. If I overflow with happiness, someone would naturally be affected by it somehow, much like the way the common cold slips from one person to another with ease. It's somewhat like water flowing past the brim of a cup, rendering the surface it stands on void of dryness.

How could I, participant to the greatest love story the world has ever known, venture only as far as to see that there are others are in need of that love too? A love that will cover their imperfections and give hope. A love that spans time, gender or natioality. A love that can fill any void too deep or too dark. A love that is both true and truth. A love that is already given and simply waits to be accepted.

A love that is patient, love that is kind, a love that does not envy nor boast, a love that keeps no record of wrongs, a love that always trusts...always perseveres...