Through Misty Eyes

While I'm writing this, my eyes are getting more watery. I blame it all on two things: first, on a tube of Maybelline mascara which does wonders for eyelashes but are more horrific than "Night of the Living Dead" when it comes to taking the gunk off and second, the soap I used to get it out of my lashes.

My cousin Loida got married today. I waited for that point in the wedding service when Pastor Luces announced that Loida and her now-husband George were officially married before I changed I hyphenated her husband's last name on her contact entry in my phone. Whew! After 11 whole years of being an item, they were finally married.

Nene Loida and I along with our cousin Candy made up a trio of girls when were children. Maybe it was because they were the closest to me in terms of age difference and I really thought it would be cooler to hang out with my older cousins then instead of the young ones who I loved to call "the kids." I spent summer after summer with them. We'd take turns sleeping over in each other's homes and do the craziest things. We would paint our toenails or put make-up on each other's faces and see who'd make the best looking witch. We'd go out into the ricefields or go trekking somewhere in our slippers and then get scolded for not getting back in time for lunch. We'd try to stay up as late as we can just so we can experience what it's like to have a midnight snack - like drinking Sprite from an ice cream cone. We also spent one night putting a mole just above our upper lips like Madonna until we realized it was more fun to put additional moles or birthmarks all over our bodies with red pentel pen. I still snicker when I recall the sheer panic in Loida's mother's face when we emerged from her room in the morning to have breakfast because she seriously thought the three of us had chickenpox.

Nene Loida was the first one to have a boyfriend but Candy beat her to getting hitched. Now Candy has two children and when Loida finally told me she was getting married herself, I could only say "Finally."

Nene Loida asked me to sing during her wedding. Of course I said yes even if inside I wanted to say "no." The last time I sang for her was during her 18th birthday and in the middle of the song I broke down and started crying. I seldom cry in public and I certainly did not want to do that again. So this afternoon, when I walked up to the podium to sing "Two Words" for Loida and Manong George, I did not really dig deep into the lyrics and stuck my tongue out at the two of them in between verses lest my eyes start dripping again. I got through the song with neither the slighest quivering in my vocal chords nor the thinnest mistiness in one's eyes.

Of course if I end with that, I'd be lying. Because the truth is, the minute I saw her walking down the aisle in my grandmother's white dress and her long veil, my tear ducts started going hyper. I was standing next to my cousin Aiyi who could only say "Hala!" when the teardrops started to get seemingly inevitable. I blinked them back as best as I could as I thought of how long I labored over my eye makeup.

Even if I did manage to stop myself from morphing into an uncontrollable faucet, I did wish Nene Loida a life of happiness and contentment through misty eyes which had almost remained unnoticed.

The childhood girl trio with Manang Gracious
and two of the former "kids"

Me-and-Me

May 1, 7 AM.
Boracay Island, Malay, Aklan

I toss my empty cup of hot chocolate into the trash bin, still bewildered that a Starbucks branch now stands proudly along the seashore of what is touted as one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I always thought the tourism council of Malay was considering a more rustic feel but with the coffee shop proudly showing off its dark green signage along with a Shakey's branch somewhere in Station 2, I was getting the idea that the more natural look was maybe abandoned.

I had gotten up early and judging from Ate Carol and Iting's steady breathing, none of them were about to depart from Slumberland anytime. I quietly changed in the bathroom and locked the room upon leaving. The morning was slightly chilly so I slipped into my coat and realized there was a tiny hole near the right sleeve. Drat!

It had been a long time since I've had a "date" with myself and on that morning, I went on a long walk. I was also trying to rid myself of the guilt from licking my plate of quesadillas clean the night before when I should be on a diet. I had taken off my slippers and the feel of the wet, soft sand and the cool water between my toes was almost magical. I passed by a number of local kids doing cartwheels on the wet sand, their toasted bodies reminiscent of jumping white dots on a piece of white paper. Further on, I walked by two kids racing their Hot Wheels trucks by the seashore. Upon closer inspection, I realized that each truck carried a rather unwilling passenger - a black and white rodent which was frantically trying to get off the moving toy. I walked past Willy's Rock and Jona's Fruit Shakes. The people began to thin as I reached Boracay Terraces. I then turned around and walked back to my point of origin. Upon reaching D' Mall, I walked back towards Boracay Terraces again when I realized the sun had reared its warm head in the midst of the clouds.

I finally walked back to the place where we were staying and reached a row of plastic benches arranged right in front of our resort. None of my companions - Iting, Ate Carol, Ross or Kuya Stan - were anywhere in sight. I figured they might still be enjoying the company of the covers a bit too much. Oh well, that was fine with me.

My feet were still a bit warm from the long walk so I sat on one of the plastic benches positioned strategically under a beach umbrella, took out my Bible and began to read. The passage was about Jesus' encounter with his disciples while they were fishing. This was my favorite post-resurrection story. The disciples had been fishing all night long and they had caught nothing. In the morning, Jesus saw them and told them to cast their nets on the other side of their boat and to their shock, their nets were filled with so many fish that the ropes of the net began to fray.

At that moment, I heard a loud series of "thuds." I looked up from what I was reading and saw that the morning dragon boat race had just started. The wind and the waves had been treacherous ever since we arrived in Boracay and the sky was constantly overcast. The rowers were definitely taking a serious beating as they plunged their oars into the water and drew them back with all their might. The guy up front who was the equivalent of the coxswain in a rowing team was beating his drum steadily. With every stroke, it seemed like the dragon boat and its rowers could be washed ashore but none of them were.

There were about four boats clustered right before me. From the corner of my eye, I spotted one dragon boat which was speeding ahead of the cluster. I figured this boat was be powered my super rowers with arms made of metal or something. As the dragonboats in the cluster desperately tried to catch up, the leader of the pack simply continued to pull ahead and emerge as the runaway winner.

A person can rely so much on his own strength, on his muscle power, on his intelligence. Somehow the assumption is that such strength, power or intelligence is like the fuel which gives rockets that thrust and sends them into the outer realms of space. People can rely on that with absolute dependence that they are left at a loss when such strength fails, especially in times when they are desperately needed. Going back to the rowers, they may have practiced and strengthened their arms but what happens when the situation they are plunged in is far from the ideal, different from what they expected? What happens when their own strength fails them and the heart and muscle fall prey to vulnerability and discouragement?

The years have taught me never to depend on my own set of strengths and abilities. My knees have buckled, my mind has shut down, my strength has been seeped to the point of emptiness. I've slept many nights and such sleep has done nothing to relieve me of the intense weariness which has invaded every corner of my body like a vine. I had grasped at some things and squeezed with all my might only to find them unchanged and my own hands slashed like ribbons. I have reached down deep inside me to pluck up whatever strength I had left and came up wanting.

God picks up where I leave off. It's all a matter of laying everything down at His feet and claiming the promise that I will not be left alone nor forsaken. Indeed He makes up for everything when my strength comes short, when I have done all I can and everything seems to amount to nothing. He has proven Himself to be faithful and true as my Sustainer in so many circumstances I have completely lost count.

I closed my Bible and sat alone for another couple of minutes, breathing in the sight of the sea and the waves crashing into the shore. I knew that at that point in time, I was nowhere near the shore. In one way or another, it was more like I was somewhere in the middle of nowhere, bobbing with the waves like a cork and I know that no matter how much I flail my arms or pull myself toward the shore, there was absolutely no guarantee that, on my own, I could bring myself to shallow water.

A little while later, I turned around to see Ate Carol greeting me good morning. It looked like she had a good night's rest and she volunteered to take a picture of me sitting on the bench. I was glad to have some company again and my me-and-me time had finally come to an end. Actually on second thought, as I went for my long walk on that beach, I did not really have a me-and-me time to begin with.

Of Driving, Doi, Disco, Danny, Diets and a Despedida

My sister got her DRIVING permit today. Actually it's just a student's permit, her second try after she completely ignored her first one years ago and it lapsed into nothingness. Anyhow, it entitles her to use the car in the city's main thoroughfares as long as she has a licensed driver with her. She took the car out today and drove from my mom's office to our house. I would say that was the longest car ride I have been on although she was quick to point out it was as scary for her when I was learning how to drive myself. I made a mental thought to wear a neck brace the next time she sits in front of the wheel as she slams on the brakes too hard and I'm afraid of snapping my neck off my head. Given our current hospital engagements, none of us are available to teach her how to drive so my parents think she should attend DRIVING school. My sister is horrified at the thought while I told her to cheer up because she will at least get some kind of formal education in terms of DRIVING. But then I do shudder at the thought of having some complete stranger teach me how to drive. The road, with all its hazards, is enough to make me nervous. Add a complete stranger in the front seat and the pressure mounts. In the meantime, I feel there is a need to warn pedestrians and other fellow drivers that my sister is bound to hit the road anytime thus they should keep their eyes peeled for the newest road menace!
Last Sunday, my best friend DOI's daughter Sariah Beatriz turned a year old! I asked to be relieved of my hospital duties on that afternoon and I drove myself to Betty's party in their home in Leganes. DOI has been married two years but I still cannot believe she's a mother! When I see Betty, I cannot believe that this precocious little girl came from her! Betty had absolutely no stranger anxiety (just like her mother) and even if all she could muster were syllables, she yakked on throughout the entire afternoon as if everything she spouted was comprehensible. I gave Betty two books for her birthday and she ought to get used to that because I'll be giving her books birthday after birthday until DOI tells me to stop. Watching my friend fuss over her little daughter was something I wouldn't trade for the world and I am glad she is with two more people she can really call her own.

It's DISCO night in American Idol! The night wasn't as hopping as I expected it to be and to be honest, I did get a bit disappointed as the night was not marked with the 70s spirit. But tonight's show bolstered my earlier remark that this year's batch of contestants is indeed oozing with talent. I really love them all and everytime someone gets booted off the show, I feel really bad about it. For some reason, none of them really performed to the level that knocked my eardrums to outer space. Adam Lambert's performance was good but it still couldn't hold a light to what "Tracks of My Tears" did for me. As for DANNY Gokey, I love him no matter what he does ("bilang fan niya ako" to quote Joey) and I do agree with Paula that his voice is sexy. My mom derives great joy from making fun of DANNY and watching my face crumple like crepe paper. I just want to see him, Allison and Adam in the Top 3 and from that point onward, I'll be as objective as I can.
I hate DIETS. I've never actually tried one but the thought of not being able to eat anything my stomach yearns for is disheartening! Now it looks like I'll actually have to start going on a DIET. My cousin Loida told me I'll be part of her wedding entourage. Her wedding was originally scheduled on August but because of my grandfather's health, she and her fiance George decided to move the wedding to an earlier date. She asked me to use the gown I wore in my grandparents' wedding anniversary so that I'd go with the motif. The thing is, I last wore that gown EIGHT YEARS AGO! I tried fitting the dress again tonight and I felt like Scarlett O'Hara in her corset with twice the pulling. Yikes! The wiry things in the gown were sticking into my sides like chopsticks and skewering me! Double yikes! Maybe I could get through the wedding without moving if that were possible. The reception, however, will be at Roadhouse where the alfredo is creamy, the fish fillet is delightful and the ox tongue melts in your mouth. Gosh, I'm feeling so down. I wanna rummage through the ref for some raisinets now.
It's 11:15 according to my watch which means one thing - Manang Apple is flying over the South China Sea bound for Hong Kong where she will take another flight to Heathrow. My sister and I organized an impromptu DESPEDIDA for her yesterday. We had a huge pizza from Dos Marias, spaghetti in a bilao and chicken wings. I wish she didn't have to go back. Her three children obviously have the same thing in mind also. Everytime she comes home, she is met by great excitement and anticipation but when the time comes for her to leave, the events are nothing short of heartbreaking. I do hope the heartbreak and the DESPEDIDAs all come to an end very soon and that she can finally go home - to wherever her children are.

A Night of Reel Music

I love music and I love movies. Thus a fusion of both is always a treat. I am hoping "Idol" will have the Broadway theme again this season just like last year but while I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that, I'll take a night of movie theme songs anytime. With the range of choices, a contestant is bound to end up with either a jackpot or a huge mistake in terms of song choice.

Tonight, I don't think Lil Rounds and Matt Giraud fared very well. Lil sang Bette Midler's "The Rose" and I would say it was not as bad a song choice as the judges thought it was but her performance was rather rough. She was going off-key in one too many places and I seriously thought that in one way or another, it was like "Surrender" all over again in the sense that I thought she was having difficulty with the song. Neither did Matt do well with "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" from Don Juan de Marco. He seemed to have vocally tangled himself up in all the runs he was doing and like Lil, he was always going off pitch. The bridge did not sound too well with him sounding like he was struggling with the pitch, the tune and even his runs. I'm not sure who among them both would end up going home since Matt is not as popular as the other contestants and I am not sure if after weeks of Lil not performing up to judges' expectations, her fanbase is still pretty strong.

Allison Iraheta, Kris Allen and Danny Gokey fall into my "okay" group. Kris did a song called "Falling Slowly" which I had never heard before. I have never really been a huge fan of Kris's voice and for me, this song didn't really bring out the side of his vocal ability which I liked. I think if he sang it in a lower pitch, I might have liked his performance.

Allison and Danny sang two of my favorite love songs. Allison picked the Aerosmith power ballad "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" from the movie Armageddon. I really love the original version so I tend to make comparisons. On its own merits, Allison's performance was pretty good. She now ranks among my top 3 favorites and her voice literally blows me away. I just had a problem with the fact that I have heard one too many versions of this song and Allison's performance was not exactly a standout. Danny sang "Endless Love," which, as I said, is really one of my ultimate favorites. He started okay although at one point, he did go off key. I loved his emotional connection with the audience (and did I say, with me?) and that really is his asset. I was glad that he did not depart from the original version since I am very conservative when it comes to my old favorites. However as much as it was his boon, it also was his bane. The performance came across as very safe and nothing extraordinary so, like Simon, I too was disappointed.

Adam Lambert was, once again, in a world of his own as he shattered through the night of ballads with "Born to be Wild." The night saw him literally jumping back to his histrionics but I was glad he did tone down the screaming tonight. But then the man is, as I have said one to many times, an entertainer and he makes every bit of radiation exposure from the TV all worth it.

My favorite performance of the evening belongs to Anoop Desai who sang "I Do It For You" from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. This song holds a particularly soft spot for my sister and me since Robin Hood was the movie which marked our first jump from Betamax to laser disc. We both loved singing along to the song (with the matching air guitar playing) before we got to the opening credits of the film. Anoop's rendition of the song was, in a word, beautiful. I was crushing the pillow I was hugging into nothingness. His voice was smooth and rich and I totally and absolutely loved his version of the song. I HEART ANOOP again!

Perspective Reorganization

I've been home for barely a week.

In a rather strange/funny twist of a consequence, I've also barely spent time at home ever since I got back. The only time I'm with my entire family is either during breakfast or dinner. My dogs probably wonder why I'm gone in the morning and come home late at night. And I keep forgetting to tell my mom that the fresh coat of green paint she had applied on one wall in my room is not as bad as it looks from the earlier pictures she sent me through MMS.

As a lot of people know, my grandfather has been in the hospital for the past two weeks. He has been wheeled in and wheeled out like this for the last three months. Before I came home, the last time I saw him was in January. He was doing very well and could hoist a Monobloc chair by himself, limping gait and all. Now he's confined to a hospital bed 24/7 and I have to get used to the fact that he cannot even scratch his own foot when it feels itchy. To be honest about it, scratching his foot is just one of the less serious things he can no longer do.

In another stranger/funnier twist to our current hospital adventure, my grandmother also got sick with pneumonia last Wednesday! The doctors allowed both my grandparents to be confined in the same room although my grandfather's constant infusion with steroids makes him predisposed to infection thus the need to keep the room's built-in plastic dividers constantly unfolded. It does get pretty hilarious at times, especially when I sit in one corner of the room and I see two beds with two people lying in them and IV tubes snaking about in metal poles right beside them. Sometimes when my grandmother needs to go to the bathroom, she drags her IV along with her and stops about 6 feet away from my grandfather and starts waving. In fact, my sister and I are planning on making them one of those can-and-string contraptions so that they don't have to shout at each other all the time. For the meantime, we make them sing duets and I think it becomes some form of lung exercise. Sometimes I get the feeling that the nurses wonder if we do have an idea of how serious my grandparents' respective medical conditions can get but then, just like Patch Adams, we believe laughter is a really good form of medicine. After all, in occasions such as this, I have learned that it really helps to couple one's faith with a huge dose of humor just so the "ups" rise higher than they normally could and the "downs" are not as low as expected.

Actually other lessons have been learned in the process. I do not think of this as a form of escapism. I'd like to call it something like perspective reorganization, a fancy term for what others may call viewing the glass as half full when it can also be seen as half empty. I do not deny that there are a lot of things going around which can make the heart seem heavier but I refuse to be weighed down by negativity. My cousin Striker took me out to dinner tonight in Maki with his girlfriend right after his hospital shift ended at 9 PM. It was good to finally get out of the hospital and have some fresh tempura and as he drove me home, I exchanged more stories about chewy cookies, sotanghon, baked oysters and fried chicken with his girlfriend who, apparently, was a foodie just like him! That (and a vision of Mrs. Fields cookies on a plate) certainly worked to ease the stress, tiredness and frustration off my shoulders. Next time maybe we can go out for some nai cha after every shift.

Apart from that, here is a rundown of the other good things about practically living in the hospital:

* New version of family reunions
- My entire family usually gets together on birthdays, weddings or holidays or other occasions which call for a celebration. This time around, my family came up with a shift schedule wherein we each take 4-hour shifts to keep an eye out for our two senior patients. This is just to make sure that at least one person is on hand to be with the both of them. But that does not mean you can't drop by during another person's shift. For instance, last week and yesterday, I got to spend some time with Manang Apple since I've really missed hanging out with her. I also get a kick out of playing matchmaker when it comes to Manang Gracious and a certain other person. Sometimes, M.B., one of my cousins, joins us vicariously when she entertains my grandfather's request to play old love songs in her morning radio show. The best day of the week comes when a family member brings food like pancit and arroz caldo...although there is no greater hit than Aiyi's truly amazing taco pizza which, I believe, is making me pudgy! Yum!

* Catching up on reading
- During my shift, when my two wards are in lullaby land, I do two things: catch up on my reading and the movies I've missed. I've been on an Audrey Niffenegger hiatus since January and I am soooo happy to be finally reunited with Clare and Henry. When I'm done, I'll be seeing some Jodi Picoult, David Baldacci, Mary Higgins Clark and Nicholas Sparks. Yehey for the bookworm!

* DVD marathons
- My grandmother loves to watch movies, especially anything which stars KC Concepcion. So I've seen "For the First Time" one too many times for comfort. I also have some musical selections for her like "Hairspray" and "Mamma Mia," both of which she really enjoyed. Tomorrow we'll probably be watching another Tagalog flick and it will surely be interesting because my grandmother does not speak Tagalog. Neither does she understand the language. Yipee for the team of translators!

* American Idol with guest judges
- Last week it was different to watch American Idol with my grandparents. My grandmother was ranting about how she didn't get my taste in music or TV shows. For instance, she looked baffled when my sister and I did a standing O for Adam Lambert. She thought he was from Ghostbusters or something like that. My grandfather, on the other hand, was more critical than Simon Cowell as he made thumbs down gestures at the end of every number. He fell asleep halfway through the show, though. Yahoo!

* Bonding with our Creator
- It's great to bond with my grandparents over a meal or a good conversation. But nothing beats praying together. I've never really prayed with my grandparents on a one-on-one basis before. Throughout the week, I sat on my grandfather's bedside and I read to him from my Bible. If I was up to it, I'd ask him questions. Sometimes he'd answer me, sometimes he'd tell me to read on. Sometimes he'd finish the passage for me, just like what he did in the morning of Good Friday when I was reading a passage about the two thieves crucified with Jesus in Calvary. The word "paradise" all together had a brand new meaning for the two us. Yes indeed!

* A 58-year old love team
- Come June 11, my grandparents will officially hit the the 58-year mark of being married to each other. Their marriage hasn't been perfect, that's for sure. What amazes - or surprises me - is that after 58 years of being together, they can still wake up in the morning with new realizations about each other. Yihee!

* Giving back
- Call this a case of role reversal. My grandparents have given their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren so much. It's time for us flip the coin or put the car on reverse. At the point of our lives when we needed them, they were always there for us. Taking care of them is, for me, not an obligation. It is as natural as a river taking its proper course - in the same way that in a person's life, everything has to run through the same route.