For the Love of Yeats

Note: I wrote this Thursday night but never did get to post it. I was in a great Valentine's Day gathering last Friday where Enchang Kaimo gave a powerful testimony, I decided to post this here.

Now that it's Thursday and all the bruhaha about love and Valentine's Day has dissipated, I figured today should be the best time ever to write about it for two reasons: first, the Valentine's Day mania is headed downhill so I doubt if anybody would be interested in my attempt to be...er...touchy-cheesy and second, matters of the heart are always given serious thought.

People might think that Valentine's Day is only for couples and those who are in relationships. Single people are almost immediately viewed as Valentine's Day scrooges who, as a local newspaper writer so humorously put it, spend the Day of Hearts holed up in their couches eating chips while watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy. For my part, I was holed up in my couch, in between case readings, watching a snowy reception of American Idol just to see who would make Top 24. But, like what I told another friend of mine, Valentine's Day is also a day to celebrate being single - if we were to stretch the concept a little bit. They say Valentine's Day is all about love. I am not sure if many people would realize this but single people have a whole lot of lovin' going around actually. They see love in a different way, I believe - love for family, love for friends, love for the Creator, love for simply being alive.

Em and I were on our way home from Paranaque about a month ago. We were stuck in traffic which was a good thing since we could talk about a lot of things and not worry about getting into a vehicular accident. She told me that she never realized until now how good it felt to be unattached at our age (yep we're nearing our mid-20s), that we could engage in a variety of activities as much as you can and, in the process, get to know and help other people while also getting to know yourself a lot better in a whole new perspective. I was then immediately launched into a time warp back to that one day when I was in my grandfather's office with two second cousins who I will call G and S. G is in her late 20s and my grandmother was especially astounded by the fact that at her age, G had remained unattached and had the prospect of settling down farthest from her mind. My grandmother kept on calling her a spinster which got all of us snickering - until she pointed to S and me and told us we were headed that way too.

Timing has always been of the essence in almost anything. For instance in a musical score, all the notes are played one after another in a sequence, each note being given a special designation at some point in time when it should be played. If there were no such thing, all the notes would be dumped in a heap, each getting played in a wanton matter. The result? Pure, unadulterated musical disaster to put it lightly.

Falling in love and being in a relationship with somebody has to enter the picture at the right time also. It saddens me to see that some people I know are in a relationship because of the wrong reasons like, for instance, because the environment seems to dictate that people at this point in time or at this age should be in such a relationship.

Like what Em said, being single is just great, to put it simply. I am sometimes astounded by the time I have in my hands right now and the myriads of things I can do with it like study (boring!), go grocery shopping with my mom, buy an ice cream with dad at midnight, meditate, read a good book, remove weeds from the yard, help out in the office, learn guitar on my own, write, play with my nieces and nephews, join a small group, serve in church in any way, watch a movie with my sister, spring clean my room, laugh it up with my grandparents, teach, figure out CSS, attempt to declog the sink, take pictures, clean the car, talk with a friend I have not conversed with in a long time, sing in the shower, bike with a couple of friends, etc. The list is endless. Such things give me my happiness and my fulfillment that I desire for nothing else at the moment. It's like what one of my good friends (who has been in a pretty good and strong relationship for a number of years) said to me: "To each his own. You find fulfillment in what you do, I find fulfillment in what I do." I find mine in a smile.

When I was fourteen and in my sophomore year in high school, one of my afternoon classes was Values Ed. For four years of what could be the best time of my life, I went to a public/secular high school so any religion class was prohibited but a Values class was in our curriculum to take its place. My teacher Ma'am Ocampo told our class that we should look at such relationships through a long-term perspective, not just for the next couple of months or the next year or couple of years. "You should ask yourself objectively whether you can see that person in your future," she repeated. I remember Sue glancing at me (she sat directy in front of me) and me glancing at Doi (she sat directly behind me) when Ma'am Ocampo said that.

I guess that basically sums up my take on relationships. There is always a perfect timing for everything and waiting is the best part. Being involved with someone in an exclusive relationship takes a lot of commitment and a lot of effort and if you are not willing to give any of that at the moment, you have no right demanding exclusivity from that other person. When you're in a relationship with someone, you give a part of yourself to that person, you share your time and you start to share a part of your life with that person because of the view of...well, what goes beyond next month or next year or three years from now. Being involved with someone and staying committed to that person can be a delightful experience but it is a huge risk in itself that one of my favorite poems, the eternally beautiful He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven by W.B. Yeats, makes a perfect fit:

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

A Valentine's Day Like No Other

Valentine's Day 2007, 5:00 PM. A Valentine's Day like no other.

After ten sticks and one bottle, I was lying face-down on my bed, smothered in my pillow and in what could perhaps be the best sleep I have had in days.

That is, ten sticks of isaw and a bottle of iced tea.

The moment I entered campus yesterday, the entire Valentines-y feeling was palpable. A women's org was in brisk business, their wares consisting of flowers and everything chocolate flying off their booth. The classroom was no different. Almost everyone was talking about dates - which had to do with having one, not having one or hoping to have one. There were plans to see "Music and Lyrics" after class, a movie which I had been raring to see ever since the first time I laid eyes on that gigantic billboard of it along EDSA-Greenhills. But I had to pass since I had promised to see it with my own "date" (aka my sister) this weekend. It would be our first movie in months.

After class, some of the "single people" across the aisle where I was seated (Jo, Bryan, Lora and Marge) decided to go out. I decided to pass again since I had been feeling heavy-headed all day. My weekend had been both physically and emotionally draining so I just wanted to get some sleep. On my way out of the school building, I fished out my phone and made a call.

The voice on the other end of the line sounded even more tired than I was.

"Valentine's Day is different this year. At this time last year, we were doing a movie marathon, just like we always do."

Her words stung like a wasp. This year was indeed going to be the start of something totally different.

At 4:00 PM of perhaps the next most anticipated day after Christmas, instead of cringing over the cheesiest chick flicks available on the planet, I was standing in the back of the school building, clad in my favorite blue shirt in an attempt to look cheery while talking to one of my best friends who was on her way home after burying her mother earlier in the day.

Tita Celine, as I fondly called her, died last Friday at around noontime, two weeks after suffering from a stroke. I was in my third floor classroom, reviewing for my last class that day. I checked my phone to see that Banana had texted me, asking if she could call. My teacher was unusually late but I did not want to take the call since she might come bursting in at any minute, spot me with a phone on hand and call my attention. I asked her to call me at around 4 PM, when I am sure my class would end. She did just that and I was alarmed to find out that her mother had a stroke. I could not believe it. A few days before, Tita Celine and I were texting each other like we always do. Ever since I entered law school, she would frequently send me messages of encouragement which always seemed to come at the time when I was feeling worn out and tired. Once, one message really hit home, I had to text back, "Thank you, Tita. I really needed that." Then she replied, "Alam ko, kayang-kaya mo yan."

Em and I went to the hospital the next day and we made our way to the Acute Stroke Unit. The first person I saw inside the room was Banana's younger brother, Pau. I tentatively approached the room and saw Tita Celine. She was intubated and her eyes were closed. A monitor was attached to her and I found myself screaming inside my head "This cannot be happening." The last time I saw her, she was doing great. Her gentle voice rang inside my head and her trademark sweet way of saying my name. Moments later, Banana arrived with her boyfriend Marvin. Banana brought me beside her bed and I swear, I was shaking. She tried to coax her mom to wake up, to let her know I was there but Tita Celine slept on. I took Tita Celine's hand in mine. It was swollen slightly but warm. I wondered if she could feel my hand in hers. Banana and I then closed our eyes and I began to pray. In the middle of the prayer, I began to cry.

It was Banana's turn for her "Father Estrada" moment.

The "Father Estrada" moment began in our sophomore year in college. Banana and I could not come up with a better name that is why it is called such. It started on that day I was told that my mom had to undero a hysterectomy in order to remove a myoma that had grown on her uterus. The procedure was risky, given the fact that the last time my mom was opened up, the doctors said that she had severe adhesions. On the day I found out about the decision to open her up, I was harrassed both by schoolwork and my friends who thought I was just being moody. I retreated to the school chapel where Banana went with me. Choking up with tears, I told her what was wrong, including my fear of losing my mother. She bowed her head and prayed for me and when she was done, we both looked up to see that Father Estrada, our freshman theology teacher, had passed us by and was eyeing us both rather curiously. He eventually walked away and just to lighten up the moment, I told her "He's probably wondering who broke up with who."

I saw Tita Celine for the last time a week ago, February 3, Saturday. The week had been literally sleepless because of my Crim midterms. I was nursing the beginnings of a really bad cough which I acquired from trying to catch a few winks in a car the night before, at around the time the "cold wave" hit the country. I had a 3 PM flight to catch because I was going home for the weekend for a double whammy thing - my grandmother's 77th birthday and the inauguration of the new building of the church I attend back home. But I just felt I had to see her before I left, just to see how she was doing. Besides, Banana's father Tito Max was also admitted in the same hospital because of fluctuating BP. I walked into the ACSU just a few minutes before visiting hours would end and I was livened up by what I saw. I did not enter the room but through the open door, I could see that Tita Celine was awake although her eyes were out of focus. She was more conscious now and she was no longer intubated. She looked so pretty and brave lying on her bed I could not stop smiling. It was like being calm in the midst of a storm. I whispered a "Thank you, Jesus" to myself, hope renewed that she would make it through.

Things would get better on Sunday. I got a text from an uber-excited Banana at around 6 PM. Her text read: "Niyakap ako ni Mommy (Mommy hugged me)!" I was so happy for her I could not wait to fly back to Manila and see for myself how much Tita Celine had improved.

Exactly two weeks after Anna informed me that her mom had suffered a stroke came that fateful call. I had two unopened voice messages from Banana so I called her back immediately. The voice on the other end of the line was barely perceptible and all I could hear were her sobs. All she managed to whisper was "Wala na si mommy (Mommy is gone)."

During Tita Celine' interment, I made up my mind not to look at her as she lay on her coffin. Banana prodded me to do so, teasing me that she would get mad if I did not look at the dress she bought for Tita Celine to wear. I told her I couldn't do that, that I had to preserve that last image of her mom in my mind. All of Tita Celine's text messages are still in my phone, in its own special folder that I made before her stroke. During the time she was hospitalized, I unconsciously found myself waiting for her texts and it did not help that Banana would sometimes use her mother's phone to contact me. I was hopeful and anticipating the day I would finally receive a message from her saying something like "Hi, I'm back."

Tita Celine's phone which Anna now uses.

I do not know why Banana and her family chose February 14, the day of hearts, to lay Tita Celine to rest and if they did so on purpose. Thinking about it brought to mind the inscription on the epitaph of Rianne, Em's niece whose life was taken away by leukemia at age 7. This made the choice of February 14 more significant and beautiful. The inscription says "Death does not put an end to love."

On the day of hearts, Tito Max, Banana and Pau made that message loud and clear.
Love transcends death, love is eternal, love remains even when our mortal bodies are no more.